I had to touch-up my friend’s hair with hair color and personally I think I did a great job. It only took her 35 minutes to get the dye off her forehead, left eyelid and my floor. I’ve found my calling.
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First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
spicy snake
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Told my teen who has a science project due in a month to work on it a little bit each day instead of waiting until a few days before it’s due to start it.
Him: Is that what you did when you were a kid?
Me: This isn’t about me.
Hoping to spice up my evening
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Real bees work best
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
thanks auntie mary
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I have many caverns
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]