I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
ACED my prostate exam!
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind