I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
How it started: How it’s going:
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)