I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
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Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang