Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam