Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue