Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

We all have our pet causes.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”