I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
FINE, I WON’T.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
orange cat behavior
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I hid some form of a weapon in literally every room of my home when I first moved in and now I have to figure out where the hell I put everything before I move out…
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers