I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*