My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
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[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails