I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
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law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.