I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
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A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
incredible
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
mariah carrie
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
#FunnyLife Insects
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no