I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I need a headline like this
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
