Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.