Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

ㅤ

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.