I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
me and my fake scenarios
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free