I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.