Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.