I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
A leaf blower, but for people.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
We will use anything but the metric system
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.