I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
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If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
