I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
You Might Also Like
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.