I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
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Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow