I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now