Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.