I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
You Might Also Like
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
The glory of fall.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.