I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
just having fun
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
(True)
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again