Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.