I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.