I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
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I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
A French press is when you hug naked
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
did it work
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”