Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.