I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Ah yes. The three genders
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!