Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

is this meant to deter me

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

where’s Godzilla when we need him

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

I think the cat got the dog high.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing