i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
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Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
You have been warned.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
It’s the weekend y’all
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten