Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.