I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
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Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
OH. COME. ON.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.