@BDGarp

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

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@Shen_the_Bird

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

@stephenjmolloy

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

@elle91

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

@Jamberee13

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

@NoTheOtherJohn

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

@TheTobbie

NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs…

@eric10F

“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*

@AnAverageGiant

Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.

Your mom is a hermaphrodite.