I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
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My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat