guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
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[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs…
“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*
Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.
Your mom is a hermaphrodite.