Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Finally

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]