I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
That’s no pocket rocket.
dads on road-trips be like
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite