Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

For the baby who has everything

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

#Caturday

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.