I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
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Saint West, the patron of selfies
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep