Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.