I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
You Might Also Like
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me irl
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.