I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
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Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I identify as an antique shop.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Lmao 🤣
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.