I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
new wife guy just dropped
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]