Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

Confused owl: What?!

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.