I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
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Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Woke up against my better judgment again
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.