I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?