I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
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I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.