Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?