I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
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*pronounces surface like Versace*
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
this is the best day of my life
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
BETRAYAL
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me