I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
when you are just born a rebel
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
i think we should see other cousins
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.