I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*