Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

is this meant to deter me

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.