I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
ew if literal: let me be clear
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.