“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
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*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.