“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
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Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My dress code is business-casualty.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it