Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.