I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
felt that
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
this has done me in for some reason
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?