I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
placebo pills? more like sike meds
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”