I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”