Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Sounds like a real hoot.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

no regrets

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.