Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

So sick of all these stupid rules

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

Kids: Stay in school.

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things