I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
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“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.