@WheelTod

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

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@jonnysun

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

@UnFitz

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

@KalvinMacleod

Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.

@jaimekessel

Instead of a flower girl, I want a parmesan boy to sprinkle cheese down the aisle at my wedding

@enclaire

Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.

@SteveSackington

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

@Home_Halfway

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because o-

GIRLFRIEND: Yeah sure whatever let’s go with that

@TheKrisWilson

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

@DearAnyone

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.