Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

when you order from DoorDastardly

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs