I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
You Might Also Like
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Morning my dudes.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
never deleting this app.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores