I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
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[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Made something I’m not proud of
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.