Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

#Caturday