I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested