I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Camel dough
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!