I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”