Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

Finally, an instrument I can play!

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Basically.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.