I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
me and my fake scenarios
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE